I am a woman who is crippled by anxiety and worry. My mind and emotions revert to this cry for control too often. I have allowed it to become natural and somewhat comfortable to me- not knowing how to turn it off. That's what I really want to be able to do- simply switch it off. I am learning that as a believer there is much that we must put off. Each day my selfish, control seeking flesh was to rule my thoughts, actions, and words- I must rage against what is natural- put off what is natural- and slowly and steadily clothe myself with truth.
For me, each day there are different truths that I must wear, trust, and believe. And often I fail- anxious thoughts slither into my mind and hiss lies to me- and I believe them. They cloud the truth, and strip off what I've worked to put on. Thank goodness for grace- sweet sweet grace- that saves me. Thank goodness for Jesus who crushed the serpent's head with his heal and sat down at the right hand of the Father. My Savior- the author of Truth- is victorious. I can rejoice in Him and His accomplished work. I can believe that He is not finished with me.
I recently was waiting for results. Waiting for months. If the results were positive, they would be helpful for our family and my career. If they were negative, it was not the end of the world, and I could easily move on. However as the release crept closer, I let the negative become my world. The week before I had many sleepless nights filled with worry. I spoke words of faith and trust to those around me- but that was not what my heart would have shown. I wanted to show that I was ready for whatever was to come. But how I failed! The meditation of my heart was filled with worry- expecting punishment- not grace- not blessings. I clung to Colossians 1:17- "He is before all things and in Him all thing hold together." But I had hard time confidently wearing that truth.
The day before the release- my always wise mother called me out on my lack of trust after I revealed some of my faithless actions. Truth- she spoke truth to me. Thank goodness that the Lord does not expect me to put on new life on my own. His spirit, His word, and His people are there to guide in the daily practice of putting on truth.
As I reflect on these recent events, I am very thankful for this time. It was difficult for me, but it was a blessing. It reminded me the importance of truth and daily prayer. This time has brought me closer to Jesus and all that He is. I hope that as I move forward I will see each blessing that comes from His grace. He loves me- He does not seek to punish me- but to simply make me more like him. His truth sets me free!
"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." - John 1:16
